Let it snow, let it snow, let it - oh, whatever!

The weather outside
is frightful - get a clue, man!
Have some hot cocoa.

Sleigh bells ring, are you
list'ning? Like I have a choice?
Stupid noisy bells!

Letter to Santa:
Give me all the toys I want,
you big tub of lard.

Childbirth in a barn,
smelly, noisy animals -
this marriage won't last!

Bleating sheep, drunken
shepherds - ***I*** get to pick the
next vacation, Joe.

Jolly Fat Man

Hundred bouncing kids
Waiting for their Santa turn
Frightened toddler wails.

Daisy air rifle -
that's all I want for Christmas.
You'll put your eye out!

Jolly fat man eats
cookies at ev'ry house, and
yet, no heart attack?

There's a reason why
Ruldolf is the lead reindeer:
Flame plus reindeer farts.

Oh no! The magic
feed corn has gone bad! Santa
hates those reindeer farts.

Just put one foot in
front of the other; you'll be
walking out the door!

Is it spring yet?

'Twas in the moon of
wintertime...yuck! I ask you:
Is it almost spring?

Sleigh bells ring, do you
hear what I hear? In this cold?
Winter wonderland?!?!?!

The snow always looks
so perfect on a postcard;
they don't trudge through it!

Silent Night? Bullspit.

Hark, the angels sing.
Hey, could you keep it down there?
The baby's sleeping.

Silent night. Holy -
Somebody's on the wrong pitch;
No one will admit.

More Christmas Cheer

I heard the bells on
Christmas day - danged noisy bells!
I have a headache!

I saw three ships go
sailing by - male captains won't
ask for directions.

Hark, hear the bells! Glad
Christmas bells! I hate the bells!
Won't they just shut up?

Humbug, bah, humbug!
Bah humbug! Bah humbug, bah!
Humbug, bah, humbug!

Ho ho ho!

Santa will not come -
You've been a bad, bad, bad boy.
Not next year, either.

Rudolf's nose is out
spare bulb in the sleigh, Santa?
Gee, hope there's no fog!

Mom, my stocking is
full of coal and cat litter -
does Santa hate me?

ROUS's

ROUS's
They are totally awesome
Nutria are great!

Picture Friday

Chewing on branches
Aaaah! It's an ROUS!
It will eat your leg!

Westley was stupid
Duh - ROUS's are real!
Fire Swamp: lovely trees.

Defeated the rat:
Time to build a summer home?
Buttercup says no.

Picture Perfect Friday

Okay, so we've learned that slugs are more inspiring than wishbones. Who'd-a-thunk-it? So the picture for this fabulous Friday is...

a Nutria!

Or is it an ROUS?

You decide! Enjoy your haiku, and have a great weekend!

Wild, Wonderful Word Wednesday

Okay all, the word this Wednesday is

wishbone

Remember, your first haiku must use the word in it, but any subsequent poems can be anything you wish. Have fun with this one!

Crazy People

Look - a new movie!
"It will *mess* you up for life"
We should go see it!

My brother is real!
Why can you not believe me?
He will rescue me.

Who wants to write ads?
Who wants to be a fire truck?
Me! Me! Me! Me! Me!

Hello, hello, hel-
lo, what a wonderful word,
Hello! (Hmm, I'm done.)

No Metamucil:
You will get cancer and die
if you can't go poop.

MAH-velous Movie Monday

Happy Monday! The movie for this week is

Crazy People

starring Daryl Hannah and Dudley Moore. Here are links to its imdb page, its wikipedia page, and a page about it on Mutant Reviewers from Heck.

This should be a fertile source for horrible haiku. Remember - no bad words! If you must use a bad word, then use "^@#$*&" instead, like cartoonists do. And no using the Jaguar ad, either. :-)

Hey, Authors!

Just wanted to let you know... I was checking our statistics for the last week. In the last week, we've had visitors from

• China (3!)
• Canada
• Italy
• UK
• France
• India
• Philippines
• and in the US: Arkansas, California, Michigan, Virginia, and 16 guests with no identifying information.

Do you feel famous now?

Bug

Paintball in the woods
colorful car carcasses
Bam! Ha - I got you!

Picture Friday!

Woo hoo! Friday is finally here! And to celebrate, a picture to inspire your horrible haiku:

With credit to Randall K. Hanson.

The slug

Walking on the deck
On a moonless summer's eve
Squish between my toes

Since I already posted a haiku containing today's word, I thought I'd share a second one that was merely inspired by it. I hope you enjoy the wonderful sensory imagery.

Fine flattery?

Victoria drank
a glass of wine with a slug?
Glug, glug goes the slug.

Slug

No takers on slugs?
Slimy, creepy, crawly bugs -
gotta love slime trails!

Victoria drank
a glass of wine with a slug
that she swallowed whole!
(Victoria was a friend of mine on the now defunct WritingChat list. She was a kindergarten teacher and poet by day, and a writer of literary erotica by night. And one evening, as she sat under the moonlit California night in her backyard, with a glass of red wine and some dark chocolate, she reached down for her wine glass and took a sip. But there was... something... that she swallowed with the wine - a SLUG! I wrote her a poem to commemorate the event, and she loved it. Victoria was a sweet, funny, generous lady, and I miss her.)

"Don't slug your sister,"
shouts the mother to her son.
"You know she hits back!"

Twitching antennae
speckled wet slimy body
but naked - no shell

I think that's enough
I can just see the slime trails
along my glass door.

Wacky Word Wednesday

Okay, artists, the wacky word for this week is

SLUG

I'm sure you can write some truly terrible haiku with that one!

Dork

A long time ago
a dork became a Jedi.
How did that happen?

Going over to the Dark Side...

A long time ago
and very far far away...
Star Wars: A New Hope.

Lightsabers, the Force
are just no match for a good
blaster - so says Han.

R2-D2 beeps
C-3PO just complains
Ben Kenobi dies.

New game strategy -
wookiees will rip your arms off -
Let Chewbacca win!

Duuuuh Duuuuh... duh duh duh
Duuuuuuuh Duuuuh... duh duh duh Duuuuuuuh Duuuuh
Duh duh duh Duhhhhhhhhhhhn. <grin>

---

My work here is done. (Hey - that's 5 syllables!)
I don't have any more work.
Really, that is all.

Marvelous Movie Monday!

Good morning, haiku-ists! Rise and shine! In spite of Daylight Savings Time (uuuuggggghhhhh), we need to step up and write some terrible verse. The movie today is

Star Wars
(now known as Episode IV: A New Hope)

The IMDb page for Star Wars is here.

The Wikipedia page for the Star Wars universe is here, and for the Episode IV movie is here. There's an interesting page on the languages of Star Wars (featuring the language spoken by wookiees) here.

The official Star Wars site is here, and here you can find the Wookieepedia, a wiki devoted to Star Wars.

Please try to limit yourself to just Episode IV, and not go into the other movies. That way, we can use the other movies on other Mondays.

And BTW: "A long time ago" has five syllables. Just sayin'.

Riding bicycles

Riding bicycles
out in the springtime sunshine
outing with children

Breezes were just fine
on the way to where we went
return trip - HEADWIND!!!

Hello Cheese Kitty!

Kitty eats a snack
Holy cow! It's a cheeto!
I think I want some.

What on earth is next?
Puppies eating chocolate?
Suzy loves brownies...
(This one refers to a night only a few months after we moved into our house and adopted Suzy. I'd baked brownies - one batch to go in to Stal's class, and one batch for us - and had individually wrapped the school brownies in plastic wrap. While we slept, Suzy pulled the paper plate off of the table, unwrapped each brownie in the school batch, and ate them all. When we awoke, we found no trace of the brownies - nary a crumb! - but did find the miraculously pristine paper plate and plastic wrap sections, without a hole or tear in a single one of them!)

I adore cheese puffs;
my mother's family calls
them Worms. Mmm! Yummy!

Japanese cheese puffs -
kanji are right on the bag -
Hello Cheese Kitty!

TGIF - it's picture day!

Happy Friday! Today's picture incorporates two amazing elements - kittens, and cheese puffs.


With credit to G is for Genki found here.

Get your haiku on!

Take a hike

"Take a hike", the mom
says to her spirited child,
"no ifs, ands, or buttes".

I hear that you're sad

I hear that you're sad.
Jesus loves you. Barney too.
Don't you feel better?

(Paraphrased from a bumper sticker I saw a few years ago that said something like, "Jesus loves you. So does Barney. Now don't you feel better?" This is another haiku from the two-hour trip to the doctor last night.)

Raven

Raven at my feet
chewing her toy and looking
at me with glad eyes

(sigh)

I'm tired of this
I'm sick, and pukey, and mad
I know God hates me.

???????

What is a mirror
and who is that strange person
stop staring at me!

Ha Ha

Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha
Butte is like butt Ha Ha Ha
I'm so immature

Butte, Montana

Greatest mining town
now the largest Superfund -
that's Butte, Montana!

Overlooking Butte,
Our Lady of the Rockies
prays for her fair town.

You are such a butte

Why are you so mean?
I'm only trying to help
You are such a butte.

Word to Your Mother!

Today's Wild, Wonderful Word for Wednesday is

BUTTE

You can find the definition of a butte at wikipedia (with a picture of one), or at the Merriam-Webster online dictionary (with a n audio file of the pronunciation)... or you could go with what it looks like, and do some wordplay.

Have at it!

Leftovers

What's that awful smell?
stinky refrigerator
last week's leftovers

Shrek

Ugly old ogre
annoying talking donkey
and a stupid king

I like this movie
though I dislike Fiona
she is way creepy

Stinky Green Ogres

Stinky green ogres
just don't rescue princesses
for a midget king;

this is not the way
things are done in fairy tales -
where's my handsome prince?

---

Approaching Duloc...
think he is compensating?
um, yeah, no doikey!

---

Loving the dragon
sounds like a euphemism
for something dirty.

---

Donkey's like Tomboy
he can never stop talking
but he's lovable.

---

An apology

You've never seen Shrek?
Mea maxima culpa.
Next week: A New Hope

(That would be "Star Wars," now known as Episode IV. Get your wookiee haiku ready!)

Magical Movie Monday!

Happy Monday! To spark your creativity to new depths of dreadfulness, the movie for today is...

Shrek

To refresh your memory, the IMDB page for Shrek is here, and the official (Flash "enhanced") site is here.

The rules? Well... hmm... let's see... you don't have to post a haiku about the movie if you're posting today, but it's more fun. If your poem is only tangentially related, that's just fine. Take the littlest detail and run with it, and then we get to have fun trying to guess where it came from. You can retell the story, describe a character or scene, or fit a snippet of dialogue into the haiku form.

Enjoy!

The Story of the Kuln-Drivers 1

I decided to publish this one early.

Clanking through the woods,
Shackled to a rusty chain,
Came the prisoners.

Little did they know,
That they were followed closely,
By a shady wraith.

Jeffry had no food,
He had had none for too long,
He was desperate.

He approached the slaves,
A kind one tried to shoo him.
But he would not flee.

Jeffrey was captured
By the evil Kuln-Drivers.
He too marched along.

Next: The Story of the Kuln-Drivers 2

The Greatest Sacrifice

My Friday posts will be in yellow.

On a space rocket,
A brave monkey soars away!
Never to return.

Rocket Monkey

I'm gonna get you
You think I'm cute, innocent
Watch your back, human!

Blast Off!

Monkey and rocket
look like best friends forever -
3, 2, 1, Blast Off!

I love my rocket
it is such an awesome toy
take our picture, please.

How can anyone
not love a cute li'l monkey
holding a rocket?

Perfect manicure
on those long monkey fingers
Ooh! Check out her toes!

Picture Perfect FRIDAY

Okay, the consensus at the Horrible household this morning was that we should have another picture today, since we'll have a movie on Monday. So this morning, with props to haikurumba, the picture is <echoing voice> Monkeys... In... Space!!!!<end echoing voice>
I'm sure this will inspire some truly terrible poetry - so hop to it!

P.S. Haikurumba, the link you'd given me before worked when I got it, but it didn't work any more. So I had to find another space monkey for our inspiration. Sorry!

Inspired by Tomboy

My car smells like fart
Tomboy is the guilty one
I think I'll stay home

Fuzzy Bubble

And here's my happy one:

Fuzzy bubble floats,
Alighting on wind, and soars.
Flying with the clouds...

The Death of a Bubble

Sorry this is late. Here is my...sad...bubble story.

Majestic Bubble,
Floating, dancing in the air,
The wind makes your path.

Your path dances on:
Over hill and across stream,
Alighting on leaf.

Oh No! Here comes Man...
With his machines and "progress"...
He smashes the leaf.

Onward goes Bubble,
Followed by Man's destruction.
There is no safety.

Now bubble is trapped,
Surounded by Man's machines.
Nature overcome.

Inspiration

Okay, I know this isn't one of our regular game days, but I just had to share this, erm, inspiring game with you, for your Horrible Haiku efforts. If you peruse the comments, you'll see that several of the regular readers have already taken inspiration from the game.
Inscrutable Flatulence Game of the Week So Far

Follow the link to the game, and then click on the yellow block that looks like a game controller. Make sure the dog is nearby, because the sound is pretty loud, and noises will, um, emit from your computer. And thank God that the technology for "smell cards" has not yet been developed.

Here's my initial offering:

Beans, musical fruit:
Deadly silent offensives
Wow - sneaked that one by.

Two minutes now lost
I can't believe I played it
Now you get to try.

Hi

Walking down the street
Delia sees a doggie
"hi hi hi hi hi"

Bubble bath

Bubbly bubbly bath
makes the little girl giggle
splish splash happy bath

An idea...

Hey y'all - judging from the movie-inspired haiku we already have, and some that I know are under consideration - would you like to move Picture Monday to Picture Friday, and have Movie Monday in its place?

If so, what movies would you like to honor in horrible verse? You can put suggestions in the comments.

More bubbles

Sitting in the shade
blowing bubbles with my kids
lazy Saturday

Wait for the issue
to bubble up to the top
before resolving

Bubbling water
marinara simmering
while my pasta boils

Bubbles in the tub
remind me of E. Murphy
don't fart in the bath

Rant

My professor stinks
She hates when we ask questions
How else does one learn?

More airport security

Riffing off of Haikurumba's poem...

The Freedom Baggie:
"Kip Hawley's an idiot"
Now they pat me down.

Bubble

Bubble, toil, trouble -
I like to sow discontent
and make people think.

Weird and Wacky Word Wednesday!

Okay, horribilists, here is the word for today...

BUBBLE

The rule for Weird and Wacky Word Wednesday is that the first haiku you post today must use this word (or some form of it, like bubbles or bubbling or bubbled), but you don't have to include the word in every piece you post.

Have fun and be funny!

Airport security

Throw out your water
remove shoes, empty pockets
Thank you, TSA

Going IPO

Going IPO
Lots of work to prepare now
I want stock options.

All hands telecon
Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah
OMG - boring!

You should visit...

Satan lives in Hell
He must be such a hothead
you should visit him.

Scary Frog

AAAAhhhh! He is scary
his red eyes see everything
I hope he won't kill.

The Death of Mr. Frog

My Monday Posts Will Be In Red.
My Wednesday Posts Will Be In Green.

With his great, red eyes,
And his giant orange feet,
Mr. Frog is dead.

He had loneliness,
Even in his prime of life,
A child's role-model.

A good life he had,
But to strong fortress he went,
And died a sad death.

King of many frogs,
Yet alone in life and death,
His sadness quite great.

And now Frog is dead,
And we did not know him well,
Much to our great woe.

Frogs Rule

Clinging to my leaf
Scoping for some tasty bugs
With my beady eyes

Sitting still, then... SPROING!!!
I hop to another tree
I look like a toy

Uncover the grill
Eew! Something is on my leg!
Tree frog hops away.

Inside the back door
Outlined frog is on the frame
RIP, Frog Fred

Picture Perfect Monday!

Hey there Haiku artists - here's the picture for Monday, February 26 - let's have some fun!

Red-eyed Tree Frog at duiops.net

Hiccups

Hic hic hic hiccup
Diaphragm contracting in
painful spasms. Ouch!

Roadkill

A pungent odor
wafts in through the car window
Dead skunk in the road

All over the floor

All over the floor
Grapes, beans, peas, and cracker bits
The waiter hates us

A note from the (benevolent) dictator

Hey y'all - to help keep those creative (and silly) juices flowing, I have plans for two weekly games.

On Picture Monday, I'll post a picture or a link to a picture, for use as a starting point for our horrible haiku.

On Word Wednesday, I'll post a single word. The rule on Word Wednesday is that you don't have to include the Magic Word in every haiku you post, but you must include it in the first haiku you post.

I've got a collection of pictures and words to start with, but if you have suggestions, please email them to me (hedwyg AT gmail DOT com), and I'll get them into the list.

If you do not own the copyright to a picture you want me to use, then please include the link to where you found it. For any pictures that we don't own, I'll post only a link to the picture, and not the picture itself (unless I have obtained permission from the owner).

Rodents of unusual size

R.O.U.S.s?
I don’t think they exist. Errrrrrrrrrhh.
I guess he was wrong.

Imitation is the finest form of flattery?

The baby watches
as her daddy wipes his bum
Then she “wipes” her own

Fezzik and Vizzini

You had to know it was coming, right?

"No more rhyming now,
I mean it!" "Anybody
want a peanut?" "DOH!"

The Sorry Story...

This will be a five part series about Jeffrey. We are now in Chapter 1: Jeffrey's Great Anger. The haikus will be in white, and announcements will be in blue. (Each Story will be five haikus in length).

This is the story,

A sorry, sorry story
That I will now tell:

Once, in a village
There was a man named Jeffrey,
Jeffrey was ugly.

People were mean to
him, even when he was nice.
Jeffrey was angry!

They threw stones at him,
and he ran as far as he
could possibly go.

He took refuge in
the great big forest of Kuln.
There he was alone.

Next: The Story of the Kuln-Drivers.
P. S. Is plural Haiku or Haikus?

Happy Birthday!

Happy Birthday, sis!
Haikurumba rocks the blog
Hope it's a great day.

Low Flow

Low flow toilets stink
If at first they don't succeed,
Flush, then flush again.

Romance

Roses are... pinkish
Violets are... violet
Romance escapes me.

Who let the dogs out?

Who let the dogs out?
Woof woof woof woof woof woof woof
The neighbors hate us.

Blame the dog

This room smells like butt
protesting my innocence -
the dog is gassy.

Exercise Wheel

What could that smell be?
Poop in the exercise wheel
squished by running feet

Lizzie

The sneaky monkey
reaches into my pocket
for a marshmallow

The bubble

The bubble begins
small and then it grows until
it pops on her nose

Hedgehog

Spiny quill-rat-pig
nosicle always sniffing
you're the cutest pet

A baby bends down

A baby bends down,
touches something dark and wet
Ewww, she's holding poo!

I'm a nosepicker

I'm a nosepicker
Snot tastes good with fava beans
and nice Chianti

(This was a joint effort with Tomboy. The horriblest haiku always seem to be group efforts.)

God Hates My Mommy

God hates my Mommy
She always whines about it
I wish she'd shut up